


C'est La Vie

by taitofan



Category: Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja
Genre: Drabble Collection, Established Relationship, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-17 14:00:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 19,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4669253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taitofan/pseuds/taitofan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Randy/Julian drabbles and oneshots based on prompts.</p>
<p>Highlights include: Fluff, polyamory, selfcest, teratophilia, marriage, adoption, mythological au, and lots of porn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Julian and Randy

“P-please, Randall,  _don’t go_.”  Julian’s voice is shaky and he’s near tears, and the grip he has on Randy’s arm is far stronger than he’s ever felt from Julian.  Randy knows that Howard is waiting for him; he also remembers the last time he left Julian alone when he was terrified.

The decision isn’t hard to make.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he assures Julian, wrapping his arms around the other boy.  He don’t even care when Julian buries his face into Randy’s shoulder and gets his shirt wet.  “I promise I won’t leave you alone ever again.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "What are you doing awake so late at night? Alone? In your room? With Theresa's sticks? And paper towels? And why are you looking at muscly vampires on your laptop?"

Randy couldn’t answer all of the questions, and for not the first time, he  _almost_ wished he didn’t live next door to Howard.  All that ever seemed to happen those days was Howard popping in uninvited when he was doing embarrassing things.  Though, he supposed, at least he was  _alone_ this time.

“What the juice?  What are you even doing here?” he questioned, slamming his laptop shut and shoving everything else aside.  “Normal people don’t just casually break into houses at three in the morning.”

“And only shoobs are up at three in the morning jerking it to guys who look like their creepy boyfriend on steroids.  Better than last week when Julian was here and you two were–”

“If you’d just honkin’  _knock_ , we wouldn’t be in these situations!”

They continued to argue, and honestly, Randy was just relieved that Howard didn’t press the issue of the batons.  He really,  _really_ didn’t want to explain  _that one_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "I just accidentally walked in on my creepy boyfriend taking a shower and I should run before he notices me but his ass is so cute that it's nearly impossible to resist touching it and squeezing it"

Randy knew he should have knocked, but he’d waltzed into Julian’s private bathroom often enough in the past, and his boyfriend was always– _always_ –doing his makeup.  Yes, the sound of running water should have alerted him that this time was different, but what could he say?  It hadn’t, and now he was looking at Julian’s perfectly cute ass through the foggy shower door.  A thin sheet of glass was all that was stopping him from being able to touch that delicious skin…

He also knew that he should leave before Julian realized he wasn’t alone.  Even if they’d been dating for a while, it was probably still too early for any surprises that involved being naked.  But…   _That ass_.  That  _perfect_ ass.  It was just  _begging_ to be touched.  Maybe if he was really quiet, he could–

“Randall.”  Randy’s gaze jerked up, his face showing his guilt, but Julian was glancing over his shoulder with a teasing expression.  “Are you just going to stare, or would you like to join me?”

Randy had never stripped faster than he did that day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "I'm horny as hell and my creepy boyfriend is sucking on a popsicle in front of me"

Randy knew that he had no one to blame but himself.  He’d been the one to suggest that they get ice cream to beat the summer heat, and he’d been the one to personally offer to buy Julian whatever he wanted.  Julian, not being Howard, opted for one single peach flavored popsicle.  Randy hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but once he’d paid and they’d sat down under some shady trees to eat, a problem quickly became apparent.

“J-Julian?”

His boyfriend pulled the popsicle out of his mouth with an audible pop and shot Randy a bemused look.

“Is something the matter?”  How did one tactfully tell their boyfriend that he was practically fellating that popsicle and it was really turning Randy on?  Like,  _really_ turning him on?  If Julian could deepthroat some frozen sugarwater, then just think of what he could do with–  “Randall, your ice cream is melting all over you.”

“Argh, it’s too honkin’ hot” he muttered as he quickly licked around the cone and all over his hand, not wanting to waste it.  When he looked up, Julian was licking his popsicle again, with far more enthusiasm than he had any right to have.  Why hadn’t he worn looser pants?  “…I swear, he does this stuff on purpose…”

Randy didn’t notice Julian’s knowing look as he shoved the popsicle down his throat as if it ware nothing, pretending that he didn’t hear the needy moan Randy let out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "I'm in the middle of fucking my creepy boyfriends ass and he climaxed just seconds after Howard walked into the room"

Randy hadn’t seen any reason to lock the door.  Of course, he was horny as hell and Julian was already popping buttons the moment they walked into the Cunningham’s empty house, so it really hadn’t entered his mind that he even needed to.  After all, his parents were away for the weekend, so they’d be left alone.

Or so he’d thought, until the door burst open and Howard waltzed in.

“Hey Cunn–   _What the juice?_ ”

There he was, balls deep in Julian’s ass, his hand pumping his boyfriend’s cock, and it all happened so fast that neither of them could really do much but,  _well_ , let everything happen as it would.  Which, in this case, meant Julian came with a breathy cry the moment the word’s left Howard’s mouth, and Randy couldn’t help but give one last thrust as Julian shuddered beneath him.

No one moved or said much for many long, awkward moments.  Randy didn’t know what he was more pissed off about, Howard interrupting them at the worst possible moment and then staring at them, or himself for not realizing this was a very good reason to take the time to lock some doors.

It was finally Julian who spoke up.

“Howard, might you please… leave?   _Now_?”

“You don’t gotta tell me twice,” Howard muttered, quickly turning around and slamming the door shut behind him.  Randy figured he wasn’t  _actually_ leaving, just going to the kitchen and eating as many snacks as he could find.

“…I’m  _so_ sorry.”  Julian giggled and shook his head, and Randy knew that if Julian was upset, it wasn’t with him.  That was good, considering he was still buried inside Julian’s ass.  “I guess we should get dressed before he eats everything and comes back up…”

“I think we have some time,” Julian murmured before he leaned in and kissed him, and that was the last Randy thought of Howard for a while.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "I just walked into my room to find my creepy boyfriend using Theresa's batons in a "creative" way"

It took a lot to surprise Randy those days, but when he walked into his room and found his boyfriend laying on his bed, he was indeed quite surprised.  Not because Julian was there.  Not even because Julian was naked.  No, it was solely because of what was sticking out of Julian’s ass.

“What the juice…?”  He whispered, his voice full of awe.  Julian looked up, panting heavily, his eyes clouded with lust.

“R-Randall, you’re– _ah!_ –finally back.”  It was kind of hard to pay attention while Julian was fucking himself with one of his cousin’s batons.  Randy wondered if Theresa had any idea that Julian had it, though he didn’t think for a moment that she knew what he was using it for.  “I wished to surprise you…”

“I’m surprised all right.”  And horny as fuck.  How the hell had Julian managed to fit that in his butt?  “I think you could use some help with that.”

“Oh, yes,” Julian agreed readily as Randy hurriedly unbuttoned his jeans, “I certainly could.”

The next time Randy saw Theresa, he couldn’t look her in the eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Julian jealous and insecure (be it of Howard or someone else) and Randy having to reassure him.

Julian was being very quiet, and if Randy hadn’t already known that his boyfriend was upset, that would have set off warning bells.  As it was, Randy could only keep trying to goad Julian into speaking to him.  It wasn’t going very well–they were half an hour into their date, and Julian had said less than a dozen words.

“…You  _do_ know I’m sorry, right?”  And he was–of course he was.  He hated seeing Julian upset, especially when it was his fault.  But the whole situation still rather perplexed him.  He’d been late for their dates before, and he’d warned Julian ahead of time that he and Howard would be playing the new Grave Puncher game that morning.  Hell, he’d even invited Julian to come over and play too, but he’d declined.

Not too surprising, he supposed, when Julian and Howard just  _barely_ got along.

“I know.”  Randy couldn’t stop himself from sighing at the clipped tone, but he immediately regretted it when Julian’s eyes narrowed.  “Is there a problem, Randall?”

“No!  I just…”  A helpless feeling washed over him as he realized that he’d been late for their dates a lot lately.  No wonder Julian was mad.  “I don’t know what to say to make you feel better.  I shoobed up, I know.  I’m sorry.”

“Of course you’re sorry.  You’re always sorry when you forget about me for Howard.  I’m just not sure why I still feel so hurt by it, with as often as it happens.  It’s obvious which of us you’d rather spend your time with…”  Julian’s tone was bitter and hurt, and Randy actually paused to consider his words before he continued.  He had to, because otherwise all he’d be able to say would be “Are you serious?”  Just how badly had he hurt Julian’s feelings to have him thinking like  _that_?

“Hey, you know you don’t have to be jealous of Howard, right?”  Julian’s incredulous expression gave him his answer.  “Howard is my best friend, but you know what you are?  My other best friend  _and_ my boyfriend.  You two are the most important people in my life, but I’m only in love with one of you.  And it sure as cheese isn’t  _Howard_.”

“I should hope not,” Julian replied, a hint of a smile finally gracing his face.  Randy grinned widely at the response.  “I would still appreciate it if you could call me if you run late.”

Randy readily agreed, and they finally fell into easy conversation.  And when Howard texted him, asking when his date would be over so they could go back to playing, Randy simply shut his phone off and gave all of his attention to Julian.

Howard could deal.  He had other priorities at the moment, and for once he was pretty sure he had them in order.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just woke up at 4 AM to find my creepy boyfriend straddling my chest and grinding his ass against my crotch while staring at me lustfully"

Upon waking up, Randy knew that something wasn’t right.  It wasn’t as if something was _wrong_ , just not… normal.  Then again, between being the ninja and dating Julian, his life barely resembled normalcy, so he didn’t really think much of the odd situation he awoke to.

That might, of course, have been because he woke up to find Julian straddling him, grinding his ass against Randy’s growing erection.

“Julian, it’s,” he glanced over at the glowing numbers at his bedside, “four in the morning.  And my parents are home.”

“Do you want me to stop?”  As his eyes adjusted to the dark, Randy could make out the expression on Julian’s face.  Was it possible to look lustier than his boyfriend did that that moment?  Randy wasn’t sure what brought the mood on, but what teenage boy could say no to _that_?

Not him, that was certain.

“Oh, no wonkin’ way,” he replied, thrusting upwards so his erection slid up against the crack of Julian’s ass.  “We just need to keep it down, or my parents are going to realize that our ‘sleepovers’ don’t have a lot of sleeping in them.”

“I believe I can manage that,” Julian all but purred, leaning down to capture Randy’s lips in a searing kiss.

Randy knew they’d both probably make more noise than they should, and he’d have to come up with an excuse for his parents in the morning, but that was fine.  He wouldn’t trade all the weirdness that came with dating Julian for the world.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My creepy boyfriend is using his figurine of Stevens as a dildo and moaning my name"

Der Monster Klub disbanded their freshman year after Julian purposely stanked the other original members, but Randy had noticed that Julian kept all of the little figurines they’d used to play the game in his room.  It had struck Randy as a little weird to have the likenesses of their classmates and the faculty just sitting around, but it was hardly the strangest thing in Julian’s bedroom, so he ignored it.

Then came the day when he stopped in for a surprise visit, only to find Julian laying on his bed, completely naked, using one of the figurines as a makeshift dildo.  Julian was so far into it—moaning Randy’s name so wantonly that he immediately started getting hard—that he didn’t even notice when Randy closed the door behind himself and began to strip.  It wasn’t until he climbed on the bed that Julian’s eyes opened and he hastily pulled the figurine out, trying to hide it.

Unfortunately for him, Randy caught sight of just who it was.

“Stevens?  Really?”  Julian giggled nervously, setting the tiny replica of Stevens on his bedside table.

“Randall, what a surprise.  I thought you had a prior engagement with Howard today.”

“Howard ate too many chili fries last night and was too sick today, so I thought I’d visit my boyfriend instead.”  Randy reached over and snatched the figurine back up.  Julian flinched very subtly, and Randy immediately felt a wave of affection and protectiveness roll over him.  “Hey, I’m not mad, okay?  I heard you saying my name.  I mean, Stevens is a little weird, but as long as you weren’t thinking about _him_ —”

“ _Never_ ,” Julian insisted, and Randy didn’t doubt him for a moment.  “The shape, you see, is just perfect for optimal pleasure.  But, well, now that you’re here, perhaps we could...?”

Julian didn’t have to finish that thought.  Randy replaced the figurine on the table and opened the drawer for a familiar and well-used tube instead.

He did, however, keep in mind that when he got home, he would need to order Julian a proper dildo instead.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How about, for the Mythological AU, Randy and Julian’s first meeting, as illustrated in these three pics?" [posts 124251681112, 124251882657, and 124251990437 by stressed-lizard on tumblr]

Randy had just been minding his own business, wandering through the forest, when he’d gone and gotten himself lost.  While he was no pushover, he was still a cervitaur, and there were plenty of creatures lurking deep in the woods who would love to gobble him up.  But he’d figured that he’d be able to fight off any predators he came across, so he didn’t worry too much.  After all, what were the odds he’d stumble upon something wholly dangerous?  Why, he’d have to find a hungry naga or something!

“Hello there,” Randy froze at the sound of a voice cutting through the silence.  His mind screamed at him not to look towards the voice, just to run.  So, of course, he looked up, seeing a naga lounging in a tree.  Terror flooded through him, but he still couldn’t move.  “You look lost.”

It took a moment for Randy to find his voice, and he was honestly surprised that the naga hadn’t already killed him. It certainly could have.  But no, he just kept staring at Randy, hunger evident in his gaze.

“I…  I got turned around a few hours ago,” he finally replied, wishing his voice didn’t sound so shaky.  But he couldn’t help it—he was quite sure that he wasn’t going to live to see the next day.  “I don’t guess you’ll point me back towards the river, will you?”

The naga continued to stare for a bit, before he slowly lowered himself from the tree.  Was this it, Randy thought, was he going to die?  The naga came closer, loosely wrapping his tail around Randy’s back and applying just enough pressure to lower him to the ground.  Randy wasn’t sure why he couldn’t seem to run away.  But the way the naga was looking at him…  It sent a shiver through him.

“My name is Julian,” the naga introduced, and Randy thought it sounded rather polite for someone who was going to eat him.  The tail wrapping firmly around one of his hind legs was decidedly _not_ as courteous.  “And you are?”

“Do you really need to know the name of your meal?” he muttered, turning away from the smiling naga.  He soon felt two long, slender fingers under his chin, turning his face back towards Julian.  The expression Julian wore was somehow both seductive and dangerous.  Randy gulped, and he suddenly felt compelled to answer.  “Randy.  My name’s Randy.”

“Randy…”  His name sounded like honey coming from Julian’s lips.  If only circumstances had been different!  He felt so drawn to Julian—part of him wanted to stay with the naga, despite the danger to his very life.  But he was obviously going to be lunch, and— “You’re very lucky, you know.  I can’t very well eat someone I know by name.”

“You can’t?” Randy asked, excitement and relief filling him.  He grinned and barely noticed as Julian’s body began to wrap around him.  “Then you’ll tell me how to get out of here?”

“Oh, you misunderstood.”  It was too late for Randy to do anything—one more loop and he was completely trapped.  Julian was still looking at him hungrily, and as the tip of his tail gently brushed against Randy’s cheek, he finally understood what that look meant.  “You won’t be going anywhere, my dear Randy.  You simply _must_ stay with me…  I _insist_.”

As Julian moved in, his fangs glinting in the sunlight, Randy found himself oddly calm.  And as their lips met, well, Randy thought that perhaps staying with a naga wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to a cervitaur.  In fact, maybe it had been a stroke of luck that led him to Julian.  Whatever the case, Julian’s hands slid down his body, and Randy didn’t think of much else for a good long while.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My creepy boyfriend is giving me a blowjob but his fangs are making me nervous"

“Randall, _must_ you look so concerned?”

Randy had to stop himself from saying, ‘ _Yes, I do, because dammit Julian you have_ fangs.’  Because as worried as he was, they were both naked, he was hard, and Julian was on his knees and ready to blow him.  How could he possibly say no to getting his cock sucked by his eager boyfriend?  He _couldn’t_ , and that was why he forced himself to smile.

“Sorry, sorry!  Please, go on.”

Julian still looked a touch irritated, but he turned his focus on Randy’s erection all the same.  Randy shuddered as Julian put his mouth on the tip, and upon noticing his reaction, Julian pulled away with a put-off glare on his face.

“ _Randall_ ,” he snapped, “I am _not_ going to bite you.”

Randy had the decency to look embarrassed.

“Look, it’s not that I don’t trust you, but your teeth are _really_ sharp, and—”

Randy shuddered again, but this time it wasn’t from fear, but because Julian, apparently sick of his hesitancy, skipped straight to the deep-throating.  And _hot damn_ , how was Julian not gagging?  And…  And his cock was fine.  Completely fine!

He was going to be hearing “I told you so” a lot in the near future, but for the time being, he allowed himself to ignore his deserved fate and focus on the delightful fact that Julian had no gag reflex.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian gives Randy fantastic head for getting him that dragon dildo [this is a direct sequel to chapter nine, after I made a crack about Randy buying Julian a dildo off Bad Dragon and getting blown as thanks]

The moment Randy had seen the monstrosity online, he knew that he _had_ to order it.  And once the package had arrived, he had opened it and marveled at the dildo he would soon be giving to Julian.  With Julian’s obsession with monsters and creepy things, Randy had hoped that the dildo would be favorably received.  It was a huge mass of dark purple silicon, shaped not like a human penis, but what one might imagine a dragon’s cock would look like.  In a word, it seemed _perfect_ for his boyfriend.

Now he watched Julian open the unexpected present, carefully regarding his expression.  First, he looked a bit confused, then it must have it him what it was, because a brief flash of shock played out on his face, quickly replaced with an excited grin.  Julian giggled as he pulled the dragon dildo out, turning it around in his hands.

“Randall, this is the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received!”  Randy didn’t think too hard on that, because he wasn’t sure how he felt about that implication.  “I simply _must_ make this up to you!”

Randy was about to tell him that it wasn’t necessary—just knowing that Julian wasn’t sticking a figurine of Stevens up his butt was thanks enough—but Julian put the dildo back in the box and was swiftly on his knees and unbuttoning Randy’s jeans.  All the words died in Randy’s throat when Julian pulled out his soft cock and immediately—oh cheese, Julian didn’t even _hesitate_ , how was this guy _real_?—took him in to the hilt.  He felt himself hardening around Julian’s warm mouth, and once his cock was fully erect, he could feel the tip bump the back of Julian’s throat.

Sometimes he said a special little prayer at night solely thanking any listening deities that he’d found a boyfriend with no gag reflex.  And as Julian grabbed the back of his thighs to keep him steady and went to town, he sent out an extra little thank you, just for good measure.

Julian pulled back, dragging his tongue across the underside of Randy’s cock, sucking on the tip for a bit before sliding the whole thing back in.  Randy was glad that Julian had a good grip on him, because his legs were starting to feel like jelly.  Not that Randy had a lot of experience with getting blown by other people, but he was absolutely sure that Julian must be an expert at it.  After all, his stamina when they had sex was admirable, but when Julian went down on him?  He could _already_ feel his impending orgasm.  He would have felt silly at how fast Julian could make him come if it hadn’t felt so sinfully good.

It wasn’t much longer before Randy groaned out a warning, which was promptly ignored.  He came with Julian’s name on his lips, shooting his cum down his boyfriend’s throat.  Randy watched as Julian pulled away and his spent cock slipped out of Julian’s mouth, dripping with saliva.  The flushed, lustful expression on Julian’s face would have made him hard all over again, had such a thing been physically possible.

“Randall, I’m afraid that your thank you present has left me with a bit of a problem…”  Randy glanced down at Julian’s tented pants.  “Would you be so kind as to help me with that?”

Julian looked off to the side, and Randy followed his gaze to where the dildo sat in its box.  He sank down to his knees and reached for it as Julian took off his pants.

He was _really_ going to have to outdo himself to get Julian a better present when his birthday rolled around.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just entered the Shadow Realm to save my creepy boyfriend only to hear loud moaning and find him bending over against a rock while being fucked in the ass by his Evil Self" [aka au stuff where we ignore that they can’t physically exist on the same plane without merging for the sake of Juliancest]

Randy hadn’t thought he’d ever be back in the Land of Shadows, but thanks to various mishaps with the Sorceress, Julian was gone and there he was.  This place was way too creepy, and he was far too nervous about what was happening to Julian.  He was going to bring his boyfriend home, then he was going to kick that hag’s ass so hard that her past self would feel it.

“Where is he?”  Randy muttered as he hopped around from floating rock to floating rock.  Occasionally he came across some odd monstrosity, but for the most part there were only rocks and empty space.  This continued on for a while, until a sound finally hit his ears.  It sounded like… moaning?  Randy’s heart raced as he thought about Julian being hurt and alone, and he rushed towards the source of the sound, recklessly leaping through the void as fast as his legs would go.

Before long, he came to a floating rock that was far larger than most others he’d come across.  A huge boulder sat in the middle of it, and Randy could clearly hear Julian on the other side.  He just barely resisted the urge to jump to his boyfriend’s rescue, having eventually learned his lesson over the years that he needed to be careful and take in his surroundings first.  So he crept around the boulder, quietly taking in the scene…

He froze as he realized that Julian wasn’t moaning in _pain_.

Randy didn’t know how evil Julian was existing in the same place as Julian, but he didn’t really know how that sort of thing worked either.  Julian had never been keen on talking about that point in their lives, and Randy never pushed it.  But, he thought, maybe he should have, just a little.  Perhaps then, he’d know why his boyfriend was bent over a rock, getting fucked up the ass by his evil side.

“Other me,” Julian panted, his words peppered with more moans, “you don’t have to be so _rough_.  I’m not exactly going anywhere.”

“Just shut up if you’re going to act as if you don’t like it,” evil Julian sneered, pounding into Julian even harder.  “I’m you.  I know how much you wish your precious _Randall_ would fuck you raw.  To think, you’d fall in love with that idiotic ninja.  How pathetic.”

“If you’re me, don’t you love him too?”

Randy knew that Julian couldn’t see it, but _he_ did.  Evil Julian’s eyes widened, his expression almost scared for but a moment before he gritted his teeth and growled.

“Me?  _Love_?  Especially that ninja?  Are you _that_ stupid?”

If Julian had something to say to that, it was lost as he suddenly cried out, evil Julian having grabbed his erection, pumping it forcefully.  Randy didn’t know if he should step in and stop it—Julian didn’t exactly seem unwilling.  In fact, he was rocking his body against his other self quite enthusiastically.  It was… hot.  Really fucking sexy, actually.  Evil Julian was just as attractive as the normal one, and he was part of Julian, the man Randy loved.  Part of Randy figured he should feel jealous, but considering all of that, he just couldn’t muster up the emotion.

With the frantic pace evil Julian took, it didn’t take long for him to climax, nor for Julian to come all over the rock.  When Julian cried out Randy’s name, Randy wasn’t sure he’d ever seen evil Julian look so _angry_.  And he’d certainly seen plenty of the doppelganger’s ire in the past.

“ _Randall isn’t here_ ,” he hissed, pulling out of Julian and spinning him around.  Randy almost jumped in at that point, but Julian didn’t look concerned.  This only seemed to irritate evil Julian more.  “You two…  You’re always so _happy_.  It’s sickening!  Why do _you_ get everything you’ve ever wanted, while I have to rot away in the back of your mind?  _It’s not fair_!”

Which was the more surprising part—evil Julian seconds away from crying angrily or Julian throwing his arms around him and holding him close?  Randy honestly wasn’t sure.

“Well, you being the negative aspects of my personality ripped from me via magic may have something to do with it…”  Evil Julian pulled back and glared at Julian, who giggled nervously and pulled him back.  “But you are, I believe, more than simply just _me_ anymore.  Sometimes it feels as if I can hear you, you know.  As if I can tell when you want me to do something…  I assure you, I haven’t forgotten that you exist.  It’s such a shame that you can’t come back to my world with me without us becoming one person again.”

Randy stepped back from his hiding spot until he was sure that neither of them would notice him, should they do something as simple as just turn in his direction.  He needed to think, and he needed to do it quickly and most of all, smartly.  What was the best thing to do in this situation…?

After a few minutes, he snapped his fingers and grinned behind his mask.  It was time to save his boyfriend…  And maybe someone else too.

\---

“…This is stupid.  Humans are stupid.”

Randy nodded and licked his ice cream.  Beside him, the other Julian glared at nothing in particular, though Randy knew that there was no bite behind it.  He was considerably more mellow now that Julian had agreed to allow his other self to take over their body sometimes.  And the best part was that no one ever seemed to notice that occasionally Julian’s hair and wardrobe turned white.  It was like having two boyfriends for the price of one.

“Yeah, humans can be shoobs.  Now eat your ice cream before it melts.”

The other Julian grumbled something about “Other me is whining enough about not wasting it as it is, you don’t need to tell me too,” but Randy ignored  him and instead slipped his hand into other Julian’s, enjoying the flush that appeared on that impossibly pale skin.

This wasn’t at all what Randy had thought would happen the day he entered the Land of Shadows, but neither he, Julian, nor the other Julian were complaining.  Or, at least, none of them were complaining and _meant it_.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Randy "helping" Julian, like it said he was about to at the end [aka writing a continuation of chapter twelve]

Randy picked up the dildo, feeling the weight of it in his hand.  He wasn’t exactly turned on by dragons or monsters, but Julian looked absolutely _thrilled_ at the thought of the inhuman silicone cock inside of him, and that was what mattered.  Julian had just given him the greatest head of his life, and now it was time for him to return the favor.

He kicked off his pants, still pooled around his ankles, and he pulled a tube out of his pocket.  If Julian thought it was suspicious that he’d brought lube along with him to give Julian the dildo, he didn’t voice it. If anything, he looked pleased that they wouldn’t have to stop to find some.  Deciding to be the kind boyfriend he was, he swiftly popped the cap and prepared both the dildo and Julian.  The fact that Julian didn’t flinch as Randy’s fingers probed his ass said a _lot_ about their sex life.

“Hurry,” Julian whined when Randy pulled his fingers out, his eyes not leaving the dildo.  Randy chuckled and positioned the lubed up dragon cock at Julian’s asshole, wasting no time in pushing it in.  Julian’s eyes were hazy with lust, and he moaned loudly and without shame as he watched it slip into his ass.

“You’ll tell me if it’s too much?”  He’d yet to do anything that Julian had wanted to stop prematurely, but it never hurt to ask.  As usual, Julian just nodded distractedly, and Randy continued to push the dildo in until he reached the base.  Then he slowly pulled it out… and slammed it back in.

Julian shuddered, letting out a needy cry.  Randy started a steady rhythm, not so slow that Julian would complain, but not so fast that the fun would be over too soon.  Julian was making sounds that would make a hooker blush, and if Randy hadn’t just come, he would have been painfully hard.  As it was, he was still addicted to watching Julian, listening to his cries and pleas to keep going, to go harder, not to stop…

Randy did stop, but only for the briefest of moments to change his angle.  He congratulated himself when Julian all but shrieked with pleasure as he hit that sweet spot.

“You’re going to come soon.”  It wasn’t a question—it didn’t need to be.  Julian was practically drooling and his eyes were almost rolled back into his head.  He was a hot mess, and Randy couldn’t have been more pleased to get to witness such a sight.  “You’re getting fucked by a monster cock, and you’re a _wreck_.  You’d like to be fucked by a real monster, wouldn’t you?  Or maybe you’d like to fuck _me_ as a monster?  How about it, Julian?  Wanna fuck me with your spider cock?”

It was just dirty talk to send Julian over the edge—it had been _years_ since Julian had been stanked after all—and it worked.  Maybe a little too well.  Julian came with a wordless yelp, coming in thick spurts without his cock having ever been touched.  He shivered and panted, and Randy was quick to remove the dildo and pull Julian into his arms.

“Hey, you okay?” he whispered, rubbing wide circles into Julian’s back.  “Come on, talk to me.”

It took a few moments, but Julian’s body slowly stilled, and he relaxed in Randy’s embrace.

“I’m perfectly fine, Randall.”  He pulled away just enough for Randy to see his face—he smiled sweetly, his expression quite at odds with the mess around them and the smell of sex in the air.  Sweet cheese, Randy thought, he loved this man so much.  “But…  May I ask you something?”

“Anything,” Randy replied, and he meant it.  Julian giggled and leaned in to whisper in Randy’s ear.

“If I ever turn into a monster again, can I really fuck you?”

…Yes, Randy truly loved Julian and would do anything in his power to please him, and that was really his only justification for why he could say nothing but _yes_.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Randy and Julian first meeting at Marci's Daycare—the beginning of Julian's crush.

Randy Cunningham did _not_ want to go to kindergarten.  He liked playing all day with his best friend Howard, eating snacks, taking naps…  He didn’t really know what this school thing was, but he didn’t want to go to it.  But no matter how much he begged and cried, his parents just laughed and told him that _every_ child had to, so he did too.

Before the dreaded kindergarten started, his mother told him that he would be going to Marci’s Daycare in the mornings, where he’d meet more of the other children that he’d be going to school with.  Randy didn’t like that idea—he didn’t need other kids when he had Howard.  And he really, _really_ didn’t want to go when Howard got the flu two days before they were supposed to go to daycare, so he wouldn’t even have Howard there for the first few days.

Unfortunately, he was still just a small child, and his iron grip on his car seat wasn’t as strong as he’d thought.  His mother easily plucked him out of the car and deposited him in front of a smiling woman.  She was pretty and looked nice, and Randy stopped fussing when she began to speak.

“Well, hello there Randy!  Are you ready to make some new friends?”  Ms Marci talked in a funny way, but he didn’t dwell on it for long.  Something caught his eye, and he nodded distractedly as his mother and Ms Marci talked about grownup things that he didn’t care about.

There were already a few children there, but only one of them was wearing a hat that was taller than his head.  And a really long coat.  And his teeth were really big!

He was also the only kid completely by himself, and as much as Randy wanted Howard there, he didn’t want to see another kid playing alone any more than _he_ wanted to be alone.  So after his mother kissed him goodbye and Ms Marci ran off to stop someone named Bash from burying another boy named Bucky in the sandbox, Randy went over to the swing set where the boy was.  The boy was staring at the ground, and he didn’t look up even as Randy got close and sat on the swing next to him.

“…Hi,” he greeted after a few long moments of silence.  “I’m Randy.  What’s your name?”

The boy jumped, finally lifting his head, allowing Randy to see his bright blue eyes lighting up.  Randy wasn’t sure the boy could have smiled any wider.  It briefly occurred to him that this kid must not have expected anyone to come talk to him.

“Hello!  My name is Julian and I’m going to be a bat when I grow up!”

Randy’s mother had told him that it was mean to laugh at others, but it was pretty hard not to.

“You can’t grow up to be an animal,” he told Julian, trying to keep his face serious.  He failed miserably, but Julian didn’t look deterred.

“ _I_ can!”  He paused and cocked his head to the side as he looked at Randy with wide, innocent eyes.  “Or maybe I’ll be a magician!  Or a bat magician!”

Randy quickly gave up trying to reason with the other boy, and instead the two of them played on the swings, talking about all the things they liked.  Randy found out that Julian’s favorite color was purple—of course—and his favorite animals were bats— _of course_ —and he really loved magic and ice cream and creepy things, like spiders.  He also pointed out a cute little girl their age playing with a group of other girls, who was his cousin Theresa.

Randy didn’t even realize that he hadn’t thought of Howard since he’d started talking to Julian, and before he knew it, hours had gone by and Ms Marci was gathering up children whose parents had come to pick them up.  When he saw her walking towards the swings, he found that he was disappointed.  Julian was kind of weird, but he was nice and Randy liked talking to him.

“Randy, your mom is here.”  She paused as she looked at him—he wasn’t pouting, he swore!—and she giggled, reaching out to ruffle his hair.  “You’ll see Julian again tomorrow.  And soon you’ll be in kindergarten together!  Now come on, let’s not keep your mom waiting.”

Randy slowly got off his swing, ready to say goodbye, when Julian hopped off and threw his arms around Randy, pulling him into a tight hug.  Randy was a little surprised, but not so much as when Julian pulled back and laid a wet kiss to his cheek.

“I changed my mind,” Julian said with the most serious expression Randy thought he was capable of making.  “When I grow up, I’m going to keep being a human so I can marry you!  But I’ll still be a magician, okay?”

Ms Marci giggled again and led Randy—who was having a hard time thinking, let alone _moving_ — towards the entrance where his mother was waiting.  When Randy’s mother greeted her son and asked if he’d made any new friends, Randy looked back towards the swings and saw Julian still there.  Their eyes met, and Julian waved enthusiastically to him, putting both of his arms into it.  Randy waved back shyly, then turned back to his mother with a small smile.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

After that day, Randy didn’t try to get out of starting kindergarten anymore.

\---

“I said that?”  Julian—still wearing that hat and coat from the day they’d met, though he’d grown into them—looked thoughtful, then nodded his head.  “I remember our fateful meeting on the swings, though I suppose I forgot my declaration of our impending marriage.”

Randy wasn’t really surprised, considering that he’d been a shoob and ignored Julian once Howard had gotten better.  Something he’d continued to do until high school, when they’d begun dating.  Thank cheese he’d seen the light!

“At least it was your crush on me that you’ve kept all these years, not wanting to be a _bat_.”  Julian glared at him, though it wasn’t in the least bit intimidating.  Randy chuckled at the sight, then quickly sobered as he remembered what he needed to do.  “Anyway, there’s a reason I wanted to remind you of that day…”

He stood up and pulled a little black velvet box out of his pocket, dropping down to one knee before his shocked boyfriend.

Julian wasn’t a famous magician yet, but Randy was more than willing to make his other childhood ambition come true.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm in my creepy boyfriend’s room about to fuck him and I just got finished undressing only for his three weird friends (whom I thought he had had a falling out with) to barge right in and instantly begin commenting on how strong and muscly I look and my dignity's saying "leave" but my hormones are saying "gangbang" " [the topic of incest is brought up but there is no incest going on]

Randy had just thrown his boxers across the room, his cock hard and Julian’s asshole already full of lube, when the door suddenly slammed open.  This wouldn’t have been too surprising if they’d been in his bedroom, but this was _Julian’s_ room, and Randy was pretty sure Howard didn’t even know where Julian lived.  Thus, he was more than a little surprised when Dave, Juggo, and Theresa barged in.  He hadn’t even thought the four were on speaking terms anymore, but he guessed the slighted trio had a change of heart.

He just wished they’d had better timing.

“Julian, we—” Theresa’s voice died in her throat, and her face went red in record time.  Dave and Juggo said nothing, though they didn’t stare any less than Theresa did.  And was Theresa drooling?  Randy was pretty sure she was.  “S-sorry,” she eventually stammered out, though she made no move to leave.  “We didn’t know you’d be here, Randy.  Or that you were so… fit.”

Maybe it was Randy’s imagination, but he swore he heard Dave whisper, “Or big.”

But he _knew_ he heard Juggo muttering about how lucky Julian was.  Randy’s head swelled about as large as his cock at the praise.

“Perhaps you could be so kind as to be sorry in the other room?”  Julian—who Randy noticed had thrown a blanket over himself and was just as red as Theresa—snapped, looking far more embarrassed than angry.  Randy didn’t know why he wanted to hide; it wasn’t like Julian’s body was bad to look at.  Quite the opposite really.  Surely, his friends would agree if they could see what Randy got to do on a regular basis.

“Hey,” Randy whispered, an idea coming to him, “what are your thoughts on orgies?”

“Theresa is my _cousin_.”  Julian looked disgusted when Randy didn’t say anything.  What _could_ he say?  That wasn’t making his cock any less erect.  Julian sighed and abruptly sat up, pushing Randy away from him before turning to his friends.  “Well, I’m done here, so if you’d all wait for me in the parlor, I’ll be dressed and with you in a moment.”

There was a chorus of disappointed groans, but they did as Julian asked—though Dave had to drag Theresa away.  Once they were gone, Julian pushed the blanket away, showing Randy that he gone soft during the encounter, in contrast to Randy’s twitching erection.  He got up and began gathering his clothes, and Randy could see the lube dripping down the back of his thighs.  What a waste!

“Wait, what about—”

“We’ll continue after my guests have left.”

Julian’s tone left no room for argument, but anyone who knew him could agree that Randy didn’t often know when to leave well enough alone.

“But—”

“ _Later_ , Randall.”

Randy stayed quiet that time, watching silently as Julian pulled on his clothes in a huff.  Something told him that once they were alone and got back in the mood, their positions were going to switch.  And that, of course, only made Randy even _more_ turned on.  Especially when his mind went down the dark path of imagining Julian fucking him while he fucked Theresa.  That didn’t count as incest, right?  Hell, he was pretty sure they lived in one of the state where first cousins could marry!

“…Are you totally, one-hundred percent sure you aren’t down for at least a threesome?”

“ _Randall_!”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's cervitaur breeding season and my pheromones are making my creepy Naga boyfriend horny as fuck and he's begging me to fuck him hard" BONUS: "I never thought I would describe an asshole as wet, slippery, and slit-like, but I never thought I'd fuck a Naga either"

Being the mate of a naga meant that many things had changed for Randy.  Some were good things, like the added protection and the affectionate lover he’d gained.  Others weren’t so good, like the fact that his friends didn’t want as much to do with him anymore, as they didn’t trust Julian simply because he was a naga.  But mostly, the good outweighed the bad, and he had hope that his friends would come around eventually.

Overall, Randy was very happy to be Julian’s mate.  It was an adjustment all the same, and after a few seasons of being together, Randy realized there was a new hurdle for them…

“Randall, what is that odor?”  Randy—who might have wished he’d never told Julian his full name if his mate didn’t say it in such an enticing manner—knew exactly what it was.  It was the reason he was trying not to jump Julian every time he looked at him.  It was the reason he was laying on the ground and trying to hide his erection, which was almost constantly poking out of its sheath because his mate was always so close.  It was the reason Randy thought he was going to _explode_ …!

“It’s cervitaur mating season.”  He tried to sound nonchalant, but he’d gone _so long_ without giving into his urges, and it was making him agitated.  It wasn’t as if he and Julian hadn’t had sex before, but Randy had never even asked about penetrating Julian.  It just hadn’t been something he’d cared about, but now it was all that filled his mind.  He wanted to fuck Julian, and he wanted to do it _now_.  “Pheromones, you know?  It’s not bothering you, is it?”

Julian slithered around Randy, regarding him closely.  Randy had stopped being afraid that Julian was eyeing him up to eat him a long time ago—unless “eating” meant deepthroating his cock, which really didn’t count—but it did always put his instinctive senses on high alert.  Now it was only making him hornier.

“Bothering?  Hardly.  It’s actually quite…”  Randy felt Julian’s body wrap around him loosely.  “ _Arousing_.”

“You don’t say…”  Randy gulped as Julian’s long tongue darted out and lazily licked his cheek.  He wanted to fuck Julian _so badly_ …!

“I _do_ say.  In fact, I think that you should give into your instincts.  Why, there’s no reason to repress it.”  Julian pressed a finger to his cheek and cocked his head to the side.  “What will make you feel better, my precious cervitaur?”

“Let me fuck you,” he all but begged, his voice thick and desperate.  Julian giggled and unwrapped his body, allowing Randy to stand.  His erection hung heavily between his hind legs, and Julian looked pleased at the sight of it.

“As you wish,” he purred, moving his body so that Randy could see the slit that was Julian’s anus, right under his hemipenis, which was beginning to show.  “Fuck me, Randall.  Don’t hold back.”

That was all Randy had to hear.  He was upon his mate in an instant, his erection slipping into Julian easily, and they both moaned at the new sensations.  Randy couldn’t say he’d put his cock into an asshole before, but he hadn’t really expected it to be so wet and slippery.  Of course, he also hadn’t thought he’d ever have sex with a naga before he’d met Julian.  Either way, it felt _heavenly_ , and he wasn’t complaining.

Desperate cries of “ _Randall_!” and “ _Harder!  Don’t stop, go faster_!” hit Randy’s ears, and he lost the ability to think of anything except rutting with his mate.  He didn’t even realize he’d begun to growl “ _Mine, mine, mine_ ” under his breath until he heard Julian moan, _“Yes, I’m yours_!”

With as long as he’d been aroused, it didn’t take Randy long to come, grunting as he emptied himself into his mate.  Julian panted and whined until Randy reached down and took Julian’s twin cocks in his hand, jerking them off roughly.  Julian came with a sharp cry shortly after, his body slumping against Randy, who was forced to the ground with the dead weight leaning on him.  He didn’t complain though—he was very content to hold Julian close to him.

After a while, his cock retreated into its sheath, and  Julian’s hemipenis followed suit.  They stayed on the ground for a while, Julian wrapping his body around Randy as soon as he’d gathered the strength to do so.  It wasn’t much different than the afterglow when Julian was on top, but Randy’s ass didn’t sting for once.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asked once he trusted his voice to actually work.

“Of course not.”  Julian smiled warmly, and Randy wondered how he could ever have thought his mate wanted to kill him.  His heart swelled with love for his mate, and mating season had nothing to do with it.  “We should do that more often.  It’s a pleasant change to have you inside of me.  That is, of course, if you’d like to.”

Randy answered by kissing Julian soundly.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Randy and Julian's wedding! Preferably a creepy, gothic wedding befitting our precious cinnamon goth (though maaaybe with a few bruce ninja touches, to be fair to Randy)! Oh, and a skull wedding/engagement ring! And Howard and Theresa as the Best Man/Maid of Honor! [continuation of chapter fifteen]

“…I can’t do this.”  He saw Theresa roll her eyes via the mirror he was seated in front of, then she all but shoved his top hat—a dark purple, to match his tux—on his head with a huff.

“Julian, you haven’t been able to shut up about today since the day Randy proposed.  Four months of being excited, and _now_ you’re scared?”  Well, he supposed that she wasn’t wrong.  That didn’t change the fact that now that the fateful day had come, he couldn’t stop thinking about everything that could go wrong.  What if Randy changed his mind?  What if their parents decided to object at the last minute?  What if Howard stood up to object?  Would Randy leave him at the altar?  “Julian!  You’re going to hyperventilate!  Just calm down.  Randy loves you, you love him, and in a few hours you’ll be married.  And if Howard tries anything I’ll shove the bouquet down his throat.”

He let out a nervous giggle, not doubting for a moment that she would do just that.

“I know, I know.  I’m just being ridiculous.  But even with as long as Randall and I have been together, sometimes I still can’t believe he chose me.”  _And not you_ went unspoken, but the small, sad smile that appeared on her face for just a moment told him that she understood what he hadn’t said.  He felt that prick of panic he got whenever he knew he’d said something insensitive to his cousin.  Just what he absolutely _didn’t_ want to do—upset his Maid of Honor two hours before the wedding.  “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I just—”

“You don’t have to explain,” she said quietly, her smile a little more genuine now.  “You have wedding day jitters, that’s all.  Now, you’re going to stop talking like that before you work yourself up, understand?  I swear, if you start crying before the wedding and I have to redo your makeup, I’m going to tell the most _embarrassing_ stories at the reception!”

Though she said it in a joking manner, Julian didn’t doubt that she’d do _that_ too.

“Understood.”

“Good!”  She went back to touching up everything, making sure he looked perfect for the upcoming ceremony, and Julian relaxed, glancing down at his engagement ring.  Theresa was right—everything would be fine.  Soon the silver band—silver, engraved with the fanciest skulls Julian had ever seen; Randy knew him so well!—would be replaced with a wedding ring.  Yes, there was nothing to fear.  He and Randy were in love, and _nothing_ was going to ruin their day! 

\---

“What would you do if I stood up and objected?”

“Run you through with a sword.”  Howard snorted, but Randy gave him an “ _I’m serious_ ” glare, which was promptly ignored.  “Howard, I mean it.  Don’t you _dare_ —”

“Calm down, Cunningham, I won’t ruin your wedding.  I’m not _that_ much of a shoob.”  Randy wasn’t exactly sure that was true, but Howard had already been threatened with not being allowed to eat the food at the reception if he did anything stupid, so Randy hoped that would keep his Best Man in line.  “Don’t give me that look!  I mean, just because I don’t get along with your husband-to-be doesn’t mean I’m going to mess things up for my best friend!”

Randy sighed and nodded, not wanting to fight anymore.  He wished Howard and Julian got along better, but there was no changing things now.  Maybe once they were actually married Howard would come around.  Who knew?  Honestly, as long as he behaved, Randy would be content.  They could work on the rest later.

“Just don’t call Julian a shoob when you give your speech, okay?  Because if he cries today and it isn’t from happiness, I’ll never buy you food again.  Ever.”

Howard looked scandalized, and Randy rolled his eyes.  That was Howard for him…

\---

Piano music reached Julian’s ears—Rachel was playing, he thought absently; the young woman certainly knew how to play a lot of instruments—and he was glad Theresa was at his side.  He gripped her arm tightly—in the other one she held a bouquet of pure black roses, his idea of course—shaking as they waited for their cue.  Randy was already down there, waiting at the altar.  He hadn’t seen his fiancé since the previous day, wanting to keep with tradition.  Randy had thought it was silly—neither was wearing white, and their décor was more traditionally suited for a funeral than a wedding.  Black and purple filled the hall, lace and crosses and dyed roses and other aesthetic choices Randy hadn’t objected to.

Julian, for his part, hadn’t objected to the little “ninja” touches that hung about.  No one except the two of them and Howard would understand the significance of the throwing stars, and everyone would likely think the elegant scrolls that hung about said gothic things, not various tidbits of wisdom a mystical book had once told Randy.  It was all for the best that everyone thought he was just being quirky again—Randy got awfully melancholic whenever their old classmates brought up the ninja that had once protected them, a protector that was no longer needed.  And no matter how many times Julian mentioned that at least it meant he got to keep his memory this way, being the last Ninja of Norrisville and all, Randy never truly seemed satisfied…

“You ready?”  Julian stopped his musing and nodded.  He had the rest of his life to help Randy through his issues.  Right then, he had a wedding to focus on!  “Okay, count of three.  One, two, three…!”

The pair stepped out, matching each other just as they corresponded with the décor.  Theresa’s dress was the same shade of dark purple as Julian’s tux, with black lace.  Long black gloves covered her arms, and her hair was down to her shoulders.  She was lovely, and he smiled when he saw Rachel blushing from her spot at the piano when they came into sight.

He soon felt himself flush as he spotted his groom, standing in his traditional black tux, Howard at his side.  Well, Howard might as well not been there, as all he saw was Randy, grinning and winking at him as he and Theresa walked in time with the music.  Was it too early to start crying?  Yes, probably, he thought, smiling to keep his emotions from bubbling up too soon.  Oh, how would he make it through his vows at this rate…?

The music died as they reached the altar, and Julian had to force himself to let go of Theresa’s arm so she could take her spot at his side.  He faced Randy, wishing he could look as calm as his fiancé did.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today—”

Mr. Weinerman—who neither Julian nor Randy nor _Howard_ had known was a justice of the peace until he’d offered to help with their wedding—knew the speech by heart, and Julian had a hard time paying attention to the words.  He obviously wasn’t worried about Randy leaving him anymore, and he really didn’t think that Howard would cause a scene.  Even his parents and the Cunningham’s looked happy to be there!  So why couldn’t he shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong…?

It was just as Randy opened his mouth to say his vows that the wall burst open, a mechanical _thing_ —some sort of bear?  Julian couldn’t be sure, everyone’s frantic screaming sort of distracted him—causing everyone to scatter.  Randy looked just as shocked as Julian felt, before a determined look came to his face.

“Julian…”

“I know.”  He watched as Rachel raced over to them as the robot picked up the piano and threw it across the room.  Theresa scooped her up and sprinted off, yelling for everyone to follow her to safety.  Howard and his father were long gone.  “Only you can stop it.”

“And McFist is going to regret doing this today, I _promise_.  He _won’t_ get away with this.”

Ninja or not, Randy still had the reflexes and training to stop McFist’s occasional rampage, usually whenever his wife was upset with him.  Julian watched as he grabbed some weapons from around the room and took off after the robot.  He sighed and went after Theresa.

So much for that.

\---

“I’m _really_ sorry.”

“It’s not your fault Randall.  You don’t have to apologize.”

Randy knew it wasn’t his fault, of course he did, but he still felt terrible.  Julian had put so much effort into the day, and there they were, at their apartment, where the wedding reception had to be moved.  They had to say their vows in a ruined church in tattered clothes, while everyone stood among the rubble and hoped no more robots came along.

It had still been wonderful and Julian had only cried from happiness, but Randy still knew that his husband was disappointed.

_Wait_ , he thought, as it _really_ hit him.

…His husband.

“Julian!” he cried, taking Julian’s hands into his own and squeezing them tightly.  Their wedding rings—made from white gold, Julian’s being set with black diamonds in the shape of a skull that he’d absolutely _loved_ , thank the stars—glistened even in the artificial lighting.  “You’re my _husband_!”

Julian looked confused for a moment, then he did the best thing Randy could hope for—he giggled.

“Yes Randall, that’s what happened when two people are married, after all.”  He smiled, completely genuinely.  It was a beautiful sight after the disappointed expression he’d worn since they’d left the ruined church.  “Julian Cunningham…  If a younger me had known this day would come, I might not have spent a better chunk of high school as a spider…”

“If a younger _me_ had known, I would have tried harder to get McFist in jail so he couldn’t have ruined today.”  He’d liked to have added that maybe he wouldn’t have been such a shoob to Julian, but, well, he had been a shoob back then _period_ , so that was a lie.  He didn’t doubt that Julian would call him on it either.

“Well, I suppose we can’t say the day was ruined.  The church, certainly.  My decorating, definitely.  But the entire day?”  He looked at his wedding ring, then back to Randy, his eyes full of affection.  “We’re married now.  How could that be anything but perfect?”

Randy didn’t care that their apartment was crowded with wedding guests, including his parents and in-laws—he kissed Julian for all he was worth.  When Howard called out for them to save it for the honeymoon, Randy promptly flipped him off.

\---

Hours passed, and they were left alone once Theresa and Rachel both dragged Howard away, kicking and complaining that he wasn’t done eating.  It had been a long and exhausting day, but a good one nonetheless.  Julian personally could have done without the robot, but Randy had fun fighting it, and that had to count for _something_ , he guessed.

“I know we don’t exactly need an excuse to have sex,” Randy began, pulling Julian close and playfully flicking open a button on his jacket, “but it _is_ our wedding night.”

“It is,” Julian agreed, suddenly feeling as if they were both far too overdressed.  They made their way to their bedroom, where Randy helped on that front, slowly undressing him.  There was no rush, not tonight.  Julian planned on getting little sleep that night, and he knew Randy well enough to know he was thinking the same thing.

There had been something that Julian wanted to discuss now that they were married, but it had waited that long, so there was no harm in waiting a little longer.  It wasn’t exactly a topic to discuss during sex, after all.  He’d really hate to ruin the mood when they were both so eager.

They could have their honeymoon and get used to being husbands before Julian brought up the subject of being _parents_.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have a list of people who probably want to fuck me (for possible gangbang reasons) and understandably my creepy boyfriend is on the top but I never thought I would be moving his weird friends to the top as well, especially not after just a single event" [continuation of chapter 16]

Randy sat on his bed, a notebook in his lap.  He was all alone, amazingly enough, and that was why he was able to do what he was doing in the first place.  He tapped his pen on the open page, thinking about the list he was making.  It was, in his humble opinion, a very important list.

The header of the page read: _People Who Want to Have Sex with Me (I Think)_.  Underneath that was a list of names, though some had been crossed out and switched around on the list.  The fact that Dave now ranked higher than Rachel was a little odd, but he stood by his decision.  But two were completely intact, having secured their placement on the list. Those were the first and second places respectively—Julian and Theresa.

Ever since Julian’s friends had walked in on them, Randy had noticed them starring more and more.  Theresa especially looked rather hungry when he caught her looking at him.  And Randy wasn’t stupid—he knew that she had liked him during their freshman year just as much as he’d liked her.  But he loved Julian now, and Julian loved him.  He wasn’t going to let old feelings mess up what he had.

A knock at his bedroom door made Randy jump and scramble to hide the notebook under his pillow.  He knew who that knock belonged to—only Julian ever bothered knocking, while Howard and his parents would barge right in.  He was almost positive he’d take any of them seeing his list before his boyfriend.

“Randall, may I please enter your personal abode?”

Randy had to smile; only Julian would phrase such a simple question like that.

“Come in.  It’s unlocked.”

The door opened, revealing Julian’s smiling face.  He entered the room, only for the sunlight coming through the windows to hit him just so.  _Holy cheese_ , Randy thought, his chest feeling tight, _this man is all mine_.  Suddenly, thoughts of his list left his mind as he got up and drew Julian into a hug.  Julian seemed surprised by the sudden display of affection for only a moment, then he promptly embraced Randy tightly.

Randy supposed that his list didn’t really matter—who cared who wanted to fuck him?  His ego paled in comparison to what he had right there, in his arms.

…Of course, deep down, he couldn’t help but hope that maybe, one day, Julian might agree to that threesome.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe role swap. Randy is high school goth/ninja fan and Julian is secretly ninja and shares his secret with Theresa.

Norrisville High’s resident ninja really wanted to know when he would catch a break.  If it wasn’t some kid getting stanked over petty high school drama, it was a robot attack courtesy of McFist.  Today it was a robot, and to put it lightly, Julian was really, _really_ sick of robots.

The fact that this one had collapsed part of the school wasn’t helping that feeling of disgust he felt.  Nor did the fact that he’d gotten trapped in a classroom because of the rubble.  True, he could have tried cutting his way through the blockage with his sword, but the structure was unstable, and most of all, he wasn’t alone.  No, he’d had to rescue a student from falling debris, leading him to be trapped…

“The ninja!  I can’t believe I’m really here with the ninja!  This is the _cheese_!”

…with Randy Cunningham, the school’s resident goth and the ninja’s number one fan.

“Student, I’m afraid now is not the time to be cheering.  We could be in danger.”  Randy didn’t look fazed by any of the looming threats around him.  Rather, he looked outright _dreamy_.  Julian swallowed thickly at the sight.  He’d had a crush on Randy for the longest time, and it was almost surreal that Randy was practically in love with the ninja, yet outright ignored Julian.  “…Student, are you sure you haven’t bumped your head?”

“I’m fine!” Randy gushed, his kohl-lined eyes all but sparkling at being so close to his idol.  “This is just the brucest thing to ever happen to me!”

Julian’s best friend Theresa—the only one who knew he was the ninja—just loved to tease Julian about how endearing he found Randy’s ridiculous made-up slang, but he couldn’t really say anything in his defense.  Randy _was_ downright adorable, even when he got stanked into a giant bat.  And now, having his crush be so happy to be near him warmed Julian’s heart.

…If only Randy could care about the boy _under_ the mask just as much.

Julian shook his head and focused.  Now wasn’t the time to wallow in self-pity—he had to get Randy to safety and stop McFist’s robot.  He thought about all of his options, finally deciding that there was only one way to assure Randy’s well-being.

“Student, please climb onto my back so that I may—” Randy didn’t even wait for an explanation before he hopped onto Julian’s back, almost chocking him in the process.  Julian cleared his once again thick throat—Randy was so _close_!—before continuing.  “Yes, well.  I’m going to cut through the rubble, so please hold on tightly.”

Randy did just as was asked as Julian withdrew his sword and leapt towards the fallen debris.  He made short work of it, quickly getting them out of the classroom and into the abandoned hallway.  Julian was about to tell Randy that it was all clear and he should get to a safe place, when he felt Randy shift closer.

“Hey ninja,” he whispered into Julian’s ear through his mask, “do you realize what you said when you saved me?”

It was hard enough to think with all the hubbub going on with McFist; Randy’s close proximity made it almost impossible.  What in the world could he have said to make Randy sound so—dare he say it— _excited_?

“W-what?” he asked, hoping his voice didn’t sound as flustered as he thought it did.  Judging by Randy’s chuckle, it probably did.

“You yelled out my name when you pushed me out of the way.  But you didn’t call me Randy.”  Julian’s heart almost stopped as it came back to him.  No, he hadn’t called him Randy.  He hadn’t even been thinking of anything except that he needed to save the other boy.  “You called me Randall, and only one person in the _entire_ school calls me that.”

“I don’t…  That is, I’m not sure what you—”

Julian was interrupted by Randy hopping down off his back.  Randy wore a very knowing smile, and Julian couldn’t even begin to imagine that this was going to go well.

“You don’t know what I mean?”  Randy laughed, shaking his head in amusement.  “Sure, whatever you say.  But if _Julian_ wants to go out to get ice cream or something after that robot is taken care of, I’ll be waiting for him by the gates.”

Julian watched silently as Randy took off down the hall, whispering “So freaking _bruce_!” to himself as he went.  Julian was inclined to agree.

“So bruce,” he murmured before taking off after the robot, already excited about his upcoming date.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have a list of people who probably want to fuck me (for possible gangbang reasons) and understandably my creepy boyfriend is on the top but I never thought I would be moving his weird friends to the top as well, especially not after just a single event" [continuation of chapter 19]

There was nothing particularly interesting about people busting into Randy’s room unannounced.  Julian was literally the only person in the world who seemed to know what _knocking_ was, and Randy had grown to accept that.  What _was_ new, however, was the creepy breathing he could hear outside of his door.  And the occasional muttering that sounded suspiciously like Theresa asking “Can you hear them?  Are they having sex?” was only adding to the weirdness of the situation.

How in the world were Julian’s friends stranger than Julian himself?

“Julian?”  Said goth was resting in his arms as they lay in Randy’s bed.  Fully clothed.  Julian hummed in response, not bothering to open his eyes.  “…I’m rethinking that threesome now.  This is kind of freaking me out.”

He wasn’t sure if he should be offended when Julian whispered “Oh thank the stars” under his breath, so he just hugged Julian tighter and resisted the urge to yell at the perverts lurking outside the door.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Okay this is probably going to be the single weirdest ask you've ever gotten but Juliandy prompt: Me and my creepy boyfriend drunkenly decided to see how many eggs I could shove up his ass and after nearly 15 eggs I suddenly realized that we're going to need to get them all out again
> 
> (spoilers: yes, this is the weirdest prompt I've ever gotten)

Part of Randy knew that when they were sober, they were going to regret this.  A lot.  But they _weren’t_ sober, and he didn’t regret a damn thing as he slid another egg up Julian’s liberally lubed ass.

How many was that?  He’d lost count, but they’d boiled a whole lot of eggs in their drunken state.  Maybe it was fifteen.  Or was that way too many?  That seemed like too many.  Maybe it was more like five.

_Or maybe_ , that tiny voice in his head that hadn’t completely lost it whispered,  _maybe **any** amount of eggs up Julian’s rectum is too many eggs.  How are you going to get them out anyway?_

Huh.  That was a good question.

Randy looked at the bowl of eggs, then at Julian, who was giggling like a fool and probably going to regret this little experiment a lot more than Randy was.

“…Do you want to stop?”

“Randall, we’re going until we run out of eggs or out of room in my butt!  Keep going!”

Randy shrugged and grabbed another egg.  They’d worry about the details later, he guessed.

\---

“Randall?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m never drinking ever again.   _Never_.”

“…Ditto.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so we've seen Julian insecure about his relationship with Randy, right? How about Randy sees Julian getting close to someone else (you choose the character--probably not Theresa, since she's Julian's cousin and all) and gets jealous, but feels that Julian might be better off with the other character than a shoob like him, and Julian has to reassure him? (tumblr)

Randy knew he was being ridiculous.  It wasn’t even a matter of _maybe_ , he _was_.  But even knowing that he had nothing to worry about didn’t change that terrible gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach every time he saw Julian hanging out with Rachel.  Julian loved him, and Randy didn’t believe for a moment that he’d ever cheat on him.  And Rachel had been one of their biggest supporters when the two first came out, so she’d _never_ try to break them up.  And yet…

“Randall, what’s wrong?”

The walk home was something they’d done since they’d started dating.  Randy would accompany Julian home, feel out of place in the nice, wealthy part of the neighborhood, then go home before he was accosted by Julian’s weird parents.  It was only recently that “wonder what someone like Julian was doing with someone like him” had come into the equation.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he lied, not wanting Julian to worry.  The look on his boyfriend’s face told him it was too late for that.  “I was just thinking about earlier today.  I, ah, saw you and Rachel outside while I was in English.”

“Yes, we have study hall together.  We’re partners in AP Chemistry, so we were working on our report.”  To say that Julian looked confused as to how that could be upsetting was an understatement.  “You can’t possibly think that the two of us—”

“No,” Randy interrupted, shaking his head vehemently, “that’s not it.  I just…  Sometimes I wonder…”

Julian stopped suddenly, turning to give Randy his full attention.

“You wonder _what_?”

“…If someone as smart and nice and wonderful as you won’t be better with someone like Rachel instead of a shoob like me.”

Julian starred at him, unbelieving, for many long moments.  Randy was seconds away from having some sort of breakdown, when Julian began to laugh.  Not his normal giggle, but a full-blown, gut wrenching laughter.  Randy frowned and waited as patiently as he possibly could for Julian to calm down.  It look longer than he would have liked.

“Oh Randall, you _cannot_ be serious!”  Randy didn’t say anything, but his frown certainly deepened.  Julian rolled his eyes and threw his arms around Randy, pulling him close.  Randy put up no resistance to the embrace, though he couldn’t help but wonder how exactly Julian had gotten so much taller than him.  It was almost a perfect fit for him to bury his face in the nook of Julian’s shoulder.  “I apologize for that outburst.  I merely cannot believe you’re the one having any doubts about our relationship.  I thought I’d done enough of that when we first started dating for the both of us.”

“I know I’m being wonk,” Randy admitted, his anxiety calming down as Julian traced nonsensical patterns onto his back.

“You are,” Julian agreed teasingly.  Randy was glad Julian couldn’t see him at that moment, because he was pretty sure Julian would have called him out on his pouting.  “But at the same time, I’m honored by your concern for my wellbeing, flawed as it is.  Just, please realize that are the only person I love.  It has never been anyone else, nor will that ever change.  I love you for _you_ , Randall, flaws and all.”

Randy slowly pulled away from Julian, a small smile finally gracing his face.  He still couldn’t completely shake the feeling that Julian deserved better, but that wasn’t his decision.  Julian loved him, and he loved Julian.  He was just going to need to continue to be the best boyfriend he could be.

“I love you too.”  He poured all of his sincerity into his words, locking his gaze with Julian’s.  “So much.  Just, you know, so you know.  I really love you.”

“I know.”

And as Julian leaned down and captured Randy’s lips, Randy didn’t doubt that at all.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian finally agrees to that threesome, but not with Theresa (because incest). (tumblr) This is in line with the other Randy-wants-a-threesome prompts.

“Randall, do you…  Do you still want to have a threesome?”

Randy’s attention was off his homework in a moment and fully on his boyfriend.  Was this a trick question?  Judging by Julian’s flushed face, his eyes not meeting Randy’s, it was unlikely.

“Well, I mean, I don’t want one with any of your friends with all those weird stunts they pulled, but if we both agreed on someone, I wouldn’t mind.”  He reached over and gently tilted Julian’s face up so their eyes met.  “Is there someone _you_ have in mind?”

“W-well, there’s something that I’ve never told you about myself…”  Randy drew his hand back and regarded Julian curiously.  Julian wasn’t exactly known for being secretive, and even he did he wasn’t any good at it.  What could he possibly be hiding, and what did it have to do with a threesome?  “It’s about the other me.”

“The evil one?” he asked, feeling his heartbeat increase.  “Are you in danger?”

“Nothing like that!” Julian assured, waving his hand dismissively.  “He’s talked to me in my mind ever since we were freshman, actually.  It’s just that the more time has passed, the more active he’s become.  I’ve, um, let him take over my body sometimes, when I’m alone.”

“That seems dangerous, but okay.  I guess you know him better than me.  He is _you_.”  Or, at least, he was the embodiment of Julian’s negative traits.  Or something like that.  Randy didn’t really like thinking too much about how his toughest adversary had technically been his boyfriend.  “But I’m not sure why you’re telling me this now?”

“I know this is hard for you to understand, especially since I’ve never talked about it, but he really is different now.  He’s calmer, but, um, he’s also…”  Julian paused, searching for the right words.  Randy didn’t interrupt.  “Jealous?”

“Jealous that he’s stuck in your mind most of the time?”

There was a moment of silence, and slowly, Julian shook his head.

“More like, he’s jealous that I’m the only one who ever has control when I’m with you.”

Oh.  _Oh_.

“So he wants…”  He trailed off, his pants feeling tighter.  He was beginning to understand the situation, but not what it had to do with a threesome.

“Perhaps it would be better if I just showed you?  I mean, we’ve been practicing this and we can’t do it for long, but then you should understand.”

Before Randy could ask what he meant, Julian closed his eyes, looking as if he was putting all of his concentration into something.  It became very apparent what that something was as soon as his boyfriend’s doppelganger tumbled out onto the floor of Randy’s bedroom.  Julian helped straighten his other half, and Randy was amazed to see them both right in front of him, physically existing and interacting.  The other Julian looked just as he had before, just now the same age as Julian.  Which was good, because he’d feel a lot more awkward about his boner if the other Julian had still been fourteen.

“I, uh, I see what you mean.  I _definitely_ understand.”  He turned his focus to the other Julian, who was looking at him with an expression that Randy could only describe as _hungry_.  “Hey.  It’s been a while.  No hard feelings about all of that fighting, right?”

Before Randy could process what was happening, the other Julian had crawled into his lap and was quickly shedding clothing.  His, Randy’s, whatever he could reach.  Randy was stunned for only a moment before he helped.

“I assure you, Randall,” the other Julian purred, “I don’t care about any of that now.  We don’t have long, and if you don’t fuck me before Julian and I merge back together, I will be _very_ cross.”

Randy still had a lot of questions, but he quickly forgot all of them when Julian—who had managed to disrobe himself without Randy notice him—settled behind him and pushed a new bottle of lube into Randy’s hand.

“He’s right about us not having much time.  Don’t worry too much about preparing him.  We’ve…”  Randy shivered as Julian moved to murmur in his ear, gently nipping at the lobe.  “…practiced.”

Randy groaned and probably could have cum right then if he hadn’t been filled with determination.  They’d set this up, and he wasn’t going to put the opportunity to waste.

He popped open the cap and poured lube into his hand, slicking himself before pressing a finger to the other Julian.  His Julian took the lube back and Randy didn’t have to be looking at him to know his boyfriend was doing the same.  A slick erection sliding up the crack of his ass proved him right.

“What should I call you?”  He asked as he lubed up the other’s Julian’s ass.  Thinking of him as “the other Julian” was getting to be too much, and somehow, it just didn’t seem right.  This white-haired Julian greedily pressing into his fingers might have been part of Julian, but he was separate too.  If he went by another name, Randy figured he should use it.

“My name?”  He looked surprised at the question, but only for a moment before he sneered up at Randy.  “It’s Julian, I suppose.  But sometimes that Julian calls me _Ghoulian_ , so that will do if you find calling us by the same name too confusing.  I know Julian doesn’t date you for your sharp intellect.”

“Ghoulian?” Randy asked with a chuckle, choosing to ignore the insults that didn’t have much sting considering their current positions.

“ _I_ thought it was clever.”  It was, at least, a very Julian thing to do, Randy thought.  “He should be fine now, Randall.  Go ahead.”

Randy nodded and withdrew his fingers, hiding his amusement at the embarrassed look Ghoulian had when he whimpered at the loss of contact.  He wasn’t sure how exactly the two had _prepared_ , but it seemed pretty obvious that Ghoulian had never had a real cock up his ass.  Fingers probably.  Maybe even the tapered end of that dragon dildo he’d gotten Julian.  But he didn’t think Julian had fucked his other self.  Well, who was he to turn down such an opportunity?

He slid in quickly, flinching at the sharp squeal of pain Ghoulian let out.  Even Julian stopped grinding on his ass as their third partner got used to Randy’s cock.  Randy almost asked if he was okay, but he thought better of it.  It was still very clear that Ghoulian, while perhaps not a megalomaniac anymore, was still a bit ill-tempered and easily embarrassed at any so-called weaknesses.  So Randy waited until Ghoulian began to rock back against him before he finally pulled out and sank right back in.  This time, Ghoulian moaned beautifully, and Randy got to work.

Between him being inside Ghoulian, and Julian both grinding against him and reaching around to pump Ghoulian’s erection, it wasn’t any surprise to Randy when none of them lasted very long.  Considering their time limit, it was probably even a good thing.  Ghoulian come first, spurting onto his chest, and Randy came soon after, cumming inside Ghoulian with a loud moan.  Randy knew Julian came when he felt his boyfriend shiver, then felt a gooey sensation splatter on his back.

Randy pulled out of Ghoulian slowly, and before he could ask how he felt, Ghoulian shot up and all but threw himself into Randy’s lap, kissing him in an almost desperate manner.  Randy, yet again, was momentarily shocked, not really expecting the affection, and especially not the intensity of it.  He soon drew his arms to Ghoulian’s waist and pulled him closer, finally kissing back with equal fervor—

Only for the body in his arms to disappear without warning.

“H-huh?”  He turned back to Julian, who was rubbing his head, likely from the rush he got for refusing with Ghoulian.  “Oh, um, is he okay?”

“Yes,” Julian affirmed with a nod, already having his bearings back.  How many times had they been apart and come back together before pulling this little stunt?  “He’s a little embarrassed about kissing you like that… Oh, and now he’s rather irate that I told you that!  But he’ll be fine.  It will just be a few days before he’ll be able to think about being on his own again.  We’ve never stayed apart for that long before!”

Randy, now that he wasn’t horny as hell, considered how very strange this all way.  He and Julian were perfectly happy together, but they’d just had sex with someone who was and yet was not Julian.  It made his head hurt to think too much about it.

“Does he want to do that again?  Do _you_?”

“Yes.  To both questions.  And you, Randall?  I trust you enjoyed that more than had it been my cousin to join us?”  Randy nodded with such force that Julian giggled.  “Good.  Because it was rather depressing sensing him feeling so lonely.  Maybe you’d even agree to be with him if I let him take control of our body?  He’d act grumpy about it, but I know he’d enjoy spending time with you, and that’s much less taxing then separating.”

“…Did I just get a second boyfriend or something?”

Julian giggled and leaned in to kiss Randy, who returned it without hesitation.  Strange or not, Randy couldn’t say that the thought upset him.  No, in fact, it seemed like his love life was about to get even more interesting…


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No prompt, but it follows chapter eighteen. I have a tengu oc and I felt he was appropriate here.

Since their marriage, Randy had gotten used to Julian’s little “surprises.”  His husband was, after all, from a very wealthy family, and he’d stopped being shocked by the expensive trinkets Julian like to pick up on a whim— _Oh Randall, I saw this and I thought of you!_ —months ago.  He’d had plenty of experience while they’d been dating, but the occurrences had risen to at least once a week since they were wed, and Julian never once batted an eyelash at the price tags.

But somehow, Randy highly doubted that this latest surprise had cost Julian a single penny, yet it was by far the most shocking of them all.

“…That’s a baby.”

“Yes, it is.”  Julian smiled as if there was nothing out of the ordinary about the infant he carried.  “Or, rather, _he_ is.  Oh, Randall, whatever shall we name him?”

Randy shook his head, hoping that he was dreaming all of this, but even a hard pinch to his arm didn’t make the sight of Julian holding a baby go away.

“…Babe, let’s forget for a second that you just _found_ a baby laying in the middle of nowhere and brought him back to be _our_ baby.  Did you miss the honkin’ _feathers_?”

The baby, even at first glance, was obviously not human.  He had black wings sprouting from his back, tiny talons on his fingers and toes, and bright golden eyes.  Two pitch black feathers sprouted from his head among blond peach fuzz.  Most concerning, however, were his teeth.  Babies shouldn’t have teeth, Randy knew.  Especially not a full mouth of extremely sharp looking teeth.  They put Julian’s little fangs to shame.

“We can’t keep the kid.  Even if he was a _human_ baby, we still couldn’t.”

Julian had never taken well to not getting his way, even when they were younger.  A very familiar pouty frown crossed Julian’s face, but Randy steeled his resolve.  He’d had an inkling that his husband wanted to eventually adopt a child, but he’d assumed they’d wait until they’d been married a little longer than half a year.  And that the baby they chose would be a normal human child with a typical gummy mouth and no feathers or claws.

“Randall, he was obviously abandoned.  Where would we bring him?  What orphanage would take him in?”  It was a good question that Randy didn’t have an answer to.  “He could _die_ if we don’t keep him.”

“He’s not—”

“I spent half of high school not human,” Julian snapped, though he quickly calmed down as the bundle in his arms gurgled in surprise.  “Trust me, I fully understand that we don’t know what we’re getting into.  But I believe that raising a winged child can’t be any harder or stranger than everything we put up with when you were the ninja.  I spent a third of our freshman year deserted in a barren wasteland while my negative traits personified into an evil double of myself tried to conquer the world.  A baby doesn’t begin to compare to _that_.”

Randy, despite his best efforts, felt his resolve waiver as it typically did when Julian pulled the Land of Shadows card.  After all, he only brought up the subject if he _really_ wanted to get his way.

Thinking about it, Randy thought that maybe this _was_ the perfect child for them to raise, what with Julian loving monsters and all.  Even without the Ninjanomicon, Randy _did_ still have access to other mystical books he’d acquired over the years.  If they could find a way to hide the child’s more avian traits…

“What name were you thinking of?”

Julian all but squealed, and the baby cooed happily, almost as if he understood what was going on.  But that was silly, right?

“I’m rather fond of the name Nicolas.  How do you like it?”

Randy smiled, putting aside his doubts for the moment.  They could worry about the technical details—he hoped forging adoption papers wouldn’t be _too_ hard—later.  In that moment, he could only focus on the fact that somehow he’d just gained a _son_.

“I like it.  What do you think, kiddo?  Are you a Nicolas Cunningham?”  The baby cooed again, and that settled that.  “Then welcome to our family, Nicolas.  You’re honkin’ lucky, you know.  You have the brucest fathers in all of Norrisville.”

Julian rolled his eyes, but he was grinning widely all the same.  Nicolas began to giggle happily at his parents’ good mood, and Randy flinched instinctively as he caught sight of those teeth that Julian barely seemed to notice.  Well, he didn’t think this would be quite as easy as his husband did, but he was going to try his best.  Julian was right, after all—he couldn’t just ignore an abandoned child, part bird or not.  Determined not to be afraid of his own child, Randy reached out, intent on patting his head—

“H-hey!  No, bad baby!”

—only to snatch it back as Nicolas snapped at it, his teeth clicking quite audibly when they didn’t catch flesh.  Randy laughed nervously as Julian stared at Nicolas, looking rather awed.  Human babies certainly weren’t that mobile or that _fast_.

“So I guess the first thing we teach him is _no biting_.”

“Yes, I agree.”

Randy took it back—this _definitely_ wasn’t going to be easy, but that didn’t change the fact that he was still going to see this through, no matter how crazy it all seemed.

…He just hoped he didn’t lose any fingers in the process.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: I just woke up to see my creepy boyfriend with syrup coming out of his ass, cat food everywhere, tissues wallpapering the wall, his friends playing golf without limits in the living room, and a guy delivering a grosse (144 I think) of eggs to our house. Also Spongebob is playing on TV and there is bacon wrapped around my dick (this is probably the single most surreal thing you'll ever receive) (tumblr) [Yes. Yes it is. Anyway, here's more of Randy and Julian not being able to handle their booze)

Randy slowly opened his eyes, his head pounding.  Hadn’t he said that he was never going to drink again?  Julian’s friends had shown up the night before with a slew of liquor, and figuring the egg incident had been a onetime occurrence, they threw good sense to the wind and got wasted.  Well, sure, now he had a handover, but at least he and Julian hadn’t—

Randy’s jaw dropped as he looked around their bedroom.  Cat kibble littered the floor, and were those tissues covering the walls?  Held up with—he saw the multiple empty bottles on the floor—maple syrup?  He paled as he noticed what had to be at least a gross of eggs in an enormous bowl in the middle of the room.  But not as much as he did when he finally noticed the sensation on his dick and found it wrapped up in bacon.  _Bacon_.  _What_?

He only vaguely heard the sound of cheering coming from the parlor, mixed in with the sound of cartoons blasting in the background.  It sounded like Theresa yelling ‘ _fore!’_?  Were they playing golf in the house?  Whatever, he thought, he had bigger issues to deal with.

“Randall,” a groggy voice sounded from within a cocoon of blankets, “do you know why it feels like I have syrup coming out of my anus?”

Randy groaned and dug through the blankets until he unearthed Julian, who looked just as miserable as Randy felt.  He took a peek between his boyfriend’s cheeks, and sure enough—maple syrup.

“We didn’t really use syrup as lube, did we?”

Julian slowly sat up and took in the state of his room with a look of disgusted fascination, and once he noticed the eggs, a bit of terror mixed in.

“At least we didn’t get far enough to use _those_.  Randall, what on earth are we going to do with all of those eggs?”

“Eat a lot of omelets this week?”

Julian huffed and shakily got out of bed, wincing as the syrup ran down his thighs.

“I need a shower…”  Randy was secretly thankful that he was going to have an easier time washing up than Julian was.  That _couldn’t_ be comfortable.  “And Randall?  I don’t care what the occasion is; we need to never, for real this time, _ever_ drink again.”

Randy had never agreed with anything so much in his entire life.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Randy have sex and Randy gets pregnant. (ffnet) [I’m a cheat, and this follows with prompts eighteen and twenty-five.]

Randy wasn’t sure why he suddenly started feeling so nauseous all of a sudden.  He hadn’t eaten anything odd— _We aren’t in high school anymore, Randall,_ his husband had warned him.  _Maybe you can’t live off fried chicken and chili fries anymore_ —nor did he have any other symptoms of a typical stomach illness.  Finally, at his husband’s insistence, he went to the hospital.  As much as he hated to go, it had almost been a month, and it wasn’t going away.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to wait long for the doctor to find out the problem.

Unfortunately, the dire expression he wore was hardly comforting.

“Mr. Cunningham, your records show that you’re married.”  Randy nodded, not seeing what that had to do with anything.  “Do you and your husband take precautions when you have sex?”  There he paused and shook his head.  No, not normally, but he and Julian were completely clean and they didn’t sleep with other people, and besides, Julian felt perfectly fine.  “And…  You have always been male, correct?”

“ _Yes_.  Why would you even ask that?”

The doctor just looked even more uncomfortable than before.

“Well, you see…  I’m not really sure how to say this, but congratulations are in order.  You’re pregnant.”

The scream that filled the air was enough to wake the dead.

\---

As it was, Randy’s screaming awoke _Julian_ , who frantically looked around their bedroom for any sign of danger.  Randy could do nothing for many moments but pant heavily, trying to assure himself that it was all just a dream.  Soon, the sound of wailing came from across the room, prompting Randy to scramble out of bed and over to the ornate crib Julian’s parents had given them.  Randy had been grateful that at least one of their parents had kept their baby items, even if that meant Nicolas inherited all of Julian’s old gothic baby things, but if he were honest, Julian would have picked out the exact same things for their son anyway.

Randy scooped up the crying winged infant, mindful of teeth and talons, and tried to calm him.  It was only fair that he try, seeing as he was the one to wake the baby in the first place, but as usual Nicolas continued to cry until Julian came over and took him out of Randy’s arms.  Immediately, Nicolas calmed down, and within minutes he was sound asleep.

Julian set him back in the crib gently, then turned on the baby monitor and gestured for Randy to follow him.  He did so silently, and only when they reached the kitchen and were both seated was that silence finally broken.

“Nightmares are more my forte.”  Julian smiled, a bit forced, and Randy hated that it was true.  Julian really deserved so much better than everything in his past that still haunted him.  “Are you alright?  Would you care to talk about it?”

Randy knew what Julian’s nightmares tended to consist of, and he knew that he’d sound pathetic if he admitted to what his own nightmare had been about.  But Julian looked so concerned…!

“Look, I know this is going to sound completely wonk, but I dreamed I was sick and the doctor told me it was because…”  He trailed off, embarrassment filling him at the worry in Julian’s eyes.  “Because I was pregnant.”

One beat.  Two.  Three.  Then laughter.  Hysterical laughter that wasn’t often heard from Julian.  It almost made Randy want to crawl into a hole.  And it had to be as loud as his scream, even at this distance, plus it was going on for far longer.  So why wasn’t Nicolas waking up _now_?  Why did that baby have to play favorites so blatantly?

“I’m so sorry,” Julian choked out through his laughter, “but that was just so _amusing_!  Do you secretly want another child already?”

Randy’s first instinct was to immediately say no, of course not, but his mouth was answering before his brain could catch up, “Well, maybe if we had another, we’d have at least _one_ kid who likes me.”

He was surprised at how bitter he sounded, and judging by his face, so was Julian.  The laughter stopped, replaced by a bemused stare.

“Randall, he’s a baby.  He’s not actively trying to upset you.  He probably just…”  Julian winced, as if he didn’t want to say what he was thinking.  “…can tell that you’re scared of him.”

“I’m not—” His protest died on his lips at Julian’s knowing gaze.  “He’s _constantly_ trying to bite me.  How else am I supposed to feel?  It’s like we’re raising a piranha, not a baby.  And he _never ever_ tries to bite _you_.”

“He’s a bird in some capacity, correct?  Perhaps he’s imprinted upon me considering I’m the one who found him?”  It was a good guess, but Randy could still admit—to himself at least—that it stung.  “Give it time, Randall.  We’ve only had him for a few weeks.  Before you know it, he’ll be walking and talking and probably flying, and you’ll be bonding as if none if this ever happened.  You’ll see.”

Randy nodded and accepted the hand Julian offered, wearily letting himself be led back to bed.  Julian immediately laid back down, but Randy quietly walked over to the crib and gazed down at their son.  He wanted to believe Julian.  He wanted, so desperately, to think Nicolas would love _both_ of his parents.  If only he knew what exactly he was dealing with, so he could understand how to better bond with his child.

‘ _Tengu_.’

The word entered his mind unbidden, though he dismissed it just as easily.  He’d seen a tengu, and this winged baby looked nothing like that bird.

With a shake of his head, he turned away from the crib, intent on joining his husband, but he stopped and turned back.  Gently, hoping not to wake him, Randy reached down and smoothed the two fluffy black feathers on Nicolas’s head.

“Love ya, kiddo.”

Maybe it was a trick of the moonlight, but he swore he saw Nicolas smile in his sleep.  Either way, he finally joined Julian, and there were no more nightmares to be had.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: How about Randy and Julian's first time? ;) (tumblr) [I got this request twice, so I'm filling it twice! And they both follow each other. So here's part one aka the teratophilia version]

“I can’t honkin’ _believe_ this…”

Randy hadn’t thought this could happen anymore.  The Sorcerer was gone, so students shouldn’t be getting stanked, right?  True, he occasionally had to deal with rampaging robots even though McFist had no real reason to want the Ninja dead anymore, but Randy was quite sure Viceroy still made them for the hell of it. There were plenty of random crazies out there too.  But he’d figured that he _didn’t_ have to worry about his classmates turning into monsters.

He sure as hell shouldn’t have had to worry about his _boyfriend_ being that stanked student.

“I don’t guess you’d rather just talk this out, huh?”

Julian only roared in response, his bugged out eyes wiggling in Randy’s cowl covered face.  It had been completely gross in their freshman year, but how many times had he dealt with Julian being stanked?  Probably more than was good for Julian’s emotional wellbeing.  He wasn’t even phased anymore, honestly, and it would all be old hat if it weren’t for the fact that Julian shouldn’t have even been _able_ to turn into a monster in the first place.

Was it a residual power still hiding under the school?  Could the Sorceress be around, able to stank people?  There were some terrible implications, but Randy didn’t really have time to think about it, being a bit more concerned about freeing himself from Julian’s web.  The web that came from Julian’s butt.  While it wasn’t a completely weird idea anymore, they really hadn’t done much more than kiss.  He wasn’t sure he should devote much time thinking about Julian’s butt when they’d only been dating for a month.

Honestly, he wasn’t even sure why Julian had gotten stanked.  He’d seemed fine when they’d seen each other at lunch.  What class did Julian have after that?  Calculus?  It was some math that Randy was pretty sure he’d never understand.  Could something have happened in class?  Or maybe in the hallway?  There were certainly enough students who didn’t approve of them getting together, and there were plenty of jerks who could have just been cruel to Julian for the hell of it.  It was impossible to know, and thus hard for Randy to know how to unstank him.  Punching Julian’s hat hadn’t worked, and trying to apologize for unknown sins hadn’t done anything either.

“I really wish you could just tell me who hurt you,” he muttered, trying to wiggle his way from Julian’s grip.  He really didn’t want to hurt the other boy, stanked monster or not.  “Or what scared you.  Because I really don’t want to fight you.”

Julian seemed to pause in his rampage, though with as dizzy as Randy was from being tossed around, it was hard to tell if Julian was moving or if his head was just spinning.  After a moment, Julian grabbed the nape of his suit and pulled him from the web.  Now upright, Randy could see the situation better.  Julian was indeed still, but he seemed to be breathing heavily.  Randy couldn’t begin to guess why, but it only took a few moments to see that guessing wasn’t necessary.

“ _What the juice?_ ”

It was a good thing they were alone in the torn up, web filled gym, for two good reasons.  One, so no one would get hurt.  And two, because he wasn’t sure how he felt about any random student or faculty member seeing Julian’s cock.  Julian’s monster spider cock.  Did spiders even have cocks?  He didn’t know, but Julian sure as cheese did.  “Look, Julian, I’m flattered and all, but I don’t think now is really the time or place or, you know, the right body for you to be in…”

Julian roared again, scurrying closer, and Randy felt his face burn brightly under his mask.  Holy cheese, that thing was _huge_.  Admittedly, Julian was huge in general in that state, but even so, his spider cock seemed proportionally _big_.  Was Julian that big normally?  The question brought up images in his mind that made his pants feel tighter.  Though common sense told him he should calm down and talk his way out of this mess, he had his second head telling him that he needed to try something else.  Something drastic.  Something like—

“Julian, just stay calm, okay?  I’ll…  I’ll take care of you.”

It had taken a while for Randy to admit that he liked guys as much as girls, and it had taken even longer to admit he liked _Julian_.  Honestly, if Julian hadn’t pieced together that he was the ninja after everything went down with the evil Julian, he might not have even let himself get close enough to Julian to fall for him.  But now, seeing that this boy he’d once ignored and ridiculed was in emotional pain made Randy desperately want to help him.  And seeing that monstrous cock?  That made him desperately want to help for completely different, not so pure reasons.  Or, perhaps, it just plain made him _desperate_ , as strange as it was that such an inhuman dick was turning him on so much.  Being so hard was making it difficult to care.

He approached Julian slowly, and in return he was watched carefully.  Julian craned his head down as Randy ducked under his legs and approached the swollen member that hung there heavily.  It was pink and shiny, a stark contrast to the dull green hue of the rest of Julian, and in appeared to be covered in some sort of natural lubricant.  It was thick at the base, tapering down near the end, though even the tip was of substantial size.  The immediate desire to take it into his mouth almost frightened Randy.

Tentatively, he reached out and gently touched it.  It bobbed for a moment, and Julian let out a small curious grunt.  Randy found himself frustrated that he couldn’t tell if it was as slick as it looked when he had his gloves on.  Quickly, before he had time to question his decision—and surely the Nomicon would chew him out later for it—he yanked off his mask.  At least now, he thought, if anyone got too curious and dared to come into the gym, they’d only see _him_ touching Julian.  Sure, it would be awkward, but no more so than if he started getting asked his opinion on the ninja fellating his boyfriend. That was a conversation he could absolutely do without.

It was difficult to tell how much Julian could comprehend in such a state, but as soon as Randy was just himself, he plopped his big spider butt—the technical term for an arachnid butt escaped Randy, despite his best efforts—onto the gym floor.  Was this just an instinctual thing, or did Julian somehow know what was going on?  Previous experience told him it was the former, but Julian was keeping quiet and letting him get closer, as if he trusted Randy, and a stanked Julian really should have no reason to do that…

Randy sank down to his knees and crawled closer to that mesmerizing cock.  He was beyond caring about the oddity of the situation, and Julian certainly could have thrown him across the room if he didn’t want this.

“Here goes nothing…”

Randy leaned in, feeling the heat coming off the immense erection before he even touched it.  With a shaking hand, he reached out and stroked it.  It was so warm it was almost hot, and it seemed to pulse under his touch.  Randy had never heard a spider moan before, but hearing it come from Julian made the sound go right to his groin.

With his free hand, he unzipped his jeans, pulling out his own erection as he continued stroking Julian.  As he’d thought, Julian’s cock was slick, but thankfully not slimy.  He switched hands briefly, taking some of the lube— _spider lube_ , he thought, not really knowing how to feel about the lust that consumed him—for himself.  With two slick dicks and a giant moaning spider on his hands, literally, Randy didn’t think twice before he threw the last of his caution out the window and wrapped his lips around the tip of Julian’s cock.

A strange taste hit his tongue—not quite bitter, a bit salty, mostly indescribable—that wasn’t exactly nauseating but didn’t taste good by any means either.  But once he got past that—oh!  The heat, the pulsing flesh, the smooth texture, the sheer weight in his mouth…!

His hand worked faster as Julian’s guttural moans grew louder, more wanton.  He stopped questioning anything; he stopped thinking altogether and took as much of Julian as he could, using the hand that wasn’t pleasuring himself to stroke what his mouth couldn’t handle.  Which, of course, was the vast majority of it. Had he mentioned that Julian was well hung?  He was pretty sure that was about _all_ he could focus on as he blew his boyfriend with abandon.

Before long, Julian let out a shrill cry that almost sounded like a warning, and then Randy found out the hard way that a monster cock produced a monster load of cum.  It was just as thick as the cock it came from, and it poured down Randy’s throat until he jerked away and let the rest hit his face and chest instead.  All the while, he kept pumping himself, coming with Julian’s name on his lips when he imagined what that cock would be like inside of him.  Randy had never thought of himself as a size queen, but he completely admitted to himself that if Julian’s human girth was as impressive as he was when stanked, he’d be a very happy man.

And that was how Randy found himself covered in monster spider semen, his spent dick hanging out of his pants, suddenly having his human boyfriend before him.  Julian was fully clothed and pristine in all ways except for his smudged eyeliner, as per usual for a stanked student.  Randy did a double take at the eyeliner.  It had run, obviously.  Which had happened before Julian was stanked.  _Right_.  Julian had been crying before all of that had happened, hadn’t he?

“Uh, Julian, hey.  So, I can explain…”

“Randall?”  Julian looked around at the web covered gym in a dazed manner, then focused on Randy and frowned, his face flushed heavily.  “How did I…? I thought I couldn’t turn into a monster anymore?”

“I didn’t think you could either,” he admitted, tucking his dick back in his pants and sitting down next to Julian.  He vaguely wondered how hard spider spunk was going to be to wash out of his clothes.  “And trust me, I’m going to look into it soon, but first I’d like to know why you turned into a monster in the first place.  I mean, I know you don’t know what just happened, but—”

“I do.”  Randy almost didn’t catch what Julian had said with as fast as he’d said it, but once he realized what his boyfriend had said, his face flushed just as much as Julian’s had.  “That’s strange too.  I never could remember what had happened before, but this time, I do.  And I’m very sorry Randall, I didn’t…  I didn’t mean to—!”

“Hey, hey, calm down,” Randy cut him off, feeling his own anxiety rise as Julian looked near tears.  “I can’t blame you for what you do when you get stanked.  I just want to know what got you upset in the first place.  Then I’ll kick their butt.”

“I doubt that,” Julian muttered, going to wipe his eyes before thinking better of it and lowering his hand.  Randy idly wondered how long fixing his eyeliner was going to take.  “Would you really kick _Howard’s_ behind?”

“Julian, I will _totally_ kick Howard’s butt.”  And surely, if it had to do with Julian, Howard would completely deserve it.  “What the juice did he say to you?”

“Well…”  Julian wringed his hands together, and Randy wondered if it were possible for one teenage boy to look as embarrassed as his boyfriend did.  After all that had happened, he supposed they both had every right to feel a bit awkward.  “He might have implied that I wasn’t _pleasing_ you.”

“Oh.”  It took a moment, but Randy’s eyes widened in understanding.  “ _Oh_!  So I guess that means I don’t have to ask if you regret any of it?”

“N-no, I suppose you don’t.” Despite everything, Julian had a hint of a smile on his face.  “I didn’t plan on any of that happening, mind you, but once I was in that state, all I could think of was having you in, you know, _that way_.”

Sweet cheese, Randy thought, Julian was absolutely adorable when he blushed like that.

“Okay, but why the stanking just because Howard was being snasty?”

The change in Julian’s demeanor was swift—gone was the shy, embarrassed expression, replaced with a disgusted glare.

“Because after implying that, he outright said, and I quote, ‘ _How can Cunningham put up with you when you won’t even give him head?  I bet even Doug would go down on him_.’  Doug.  He said _Doug_ would be a better boyfriend than I am!”

Julian sounded nearly hysterical again, and a quick glance around showed that there was no stank from any sorcerer balls in the air.  Oh, he was definitely kicking Howard’s butt now.  Doug.  _Really_.  No wonder Julian had been so upset!

“Hey, look,” he scooted closer, wanting to hug Julian, but restraining himself so he didn’t cover Julian in his own cum—let no one say Randy Cunningham wasn’t a considerate boyfriend, “Howard is an idiot.  You and I both know that.  Flute Girl makes sure to remind me and him that we’re idiots _at least_ twice a week.  He was probably mad at me and took it out on you.  I’ll talk to him, and then I’ll kick his butt, then I’ll make sure nothing funny is going on under the school, then…  Maybe we could grab something to eat?  After school?  Just you and me?”

“On a date?” Julian asked, perking up considerably.  “A date with no Howard in sight?”

“That’s the plan.”

Well, after he found some new clothes at least.

“Oh, yes, of course!”  Julian clapped his hands together, looking downright giddy at the very thought.  “It’s so difficult to get you to myself.  I know you and Howard are platonically close to a strange degree, but it’s so delightful to be alone with you.”

Randy ignored the subtle jab, knowing it was the truth.  Maybe if he’d told Howard to beat it occasionally, none of this would have happened.  Not that he had any regrets for the whole fellating-my-monster-boyfriend thing, but he could have done without Julian getting so upset for it to happen.  Julian been through enough when they’d started high school, and he didn’t need Howard _of all people_ making it worse.

“Hey,” he moved a little bit closer, grabbing Julian’s hand and threading their fingers together, “we’re alone now.”

“Y-yes,” Julian agreed, the color quickly returning to his face, “we are.  Are you saying…?”

 “No, not that!”  Despite his words, he cock twitched at the very idea, though this time he was able to ignore it.  “I mean, honestly, it was pretty great, even if you were a giant spider, but the next time _that_ happens, let’s both be humans.  And not at school.”

“Next time, you say?”  Julian tone was a ridiculous mixture of flirtation and honest curiosity that had no right being _that_ seductive.

“Well, yeah.  I mean, if you want to.”  Randy knew that he wanted to.  There was probably nothing more he wanted, in fact.  But only on one condition.  “If _you_ don’t, that’s fine!  Don’t feel like you have to!  You’re the best boyfriend I could find even if you don’t.”

“Oh Randall…”  For a moment, it looked as if Julian might start crying again, but then he smiled brightly.  Randy didn’t bother to fight the grin that came to his face at the sight.  Happiness was a much better look on him.  “You’re too good to me.”

“Funny, I think that’s _my_ line.”  Julian giggled, doing that thing with his hands that Randy found so endearing, and suddenly he was hit with a crazy idea that just might have been genius.  “Hey, I have an idea to really get back at Howard, if you’re okay with it…”

Later, both he and Julian would have to change their clothes, seeing as Julian had flung himself at Randy after hearing his plan, but they both agreed it had all been worth it.

\---

“Howard.”  Randy felt a wave of satisfaction was over him as his friends froze.  “We need to talk.”

“Talk?” Howard asked in that tone that told Randy he was about to pretend he was innocent of all wrongdoing.  “What do you wanna talk about Cunningham?”

“Julian.”  Howard’s wince was more than enough to prove that he knew exactly what he’d done wrong.  “What’s with this wonk rumor I hear that _Doug_ would be a better boyfriend than Julian?”

Howard didn’t respond for many long moments, during which he fidgeted and looked around as if some distraction would come and save him.  Much to Randy’s relief, the hall remained empty and no killer robots or stanked students burst in on them.

“Okay, fine!” Howard finally yelled, throwing his arms up in the air.  “I was ticked off because that shoob has barely left your side since you decided you like kissin’ guys now.  I just wanted him to back off a little.  How was _I_ supposed to know he could still turn into a honkin’ spider?”

It was a valid question, but completely beside the point.  He hoped his disapproving glare told Howard as much, but he knew his friend far too well to fool himself into believing that he’d actually feel guilty about what he’d done.

“Well, this is how I see it.  You were jealous and wonk and a _jerk_ , you made my boyfriend cry, _and_ you insulted both of us by bringing Doug into this.  Do you agree with all of that?”  Howard frowned, but he nodded all the same.  “And not only are you _not_ sorry, but you’ll totally do it again if there aren’t some consequences, right?”

“What are you gonna _do_ Cunningham, kick my butt for making that creepy shoob cry?”

Randy bit back his immediate thought— _Shut the fuck up, Howard_ —and instead put on his best evil grin.

“No, even worse.  I’m going to tell you what happened because of the way you treated Julian.  Every.  Last.  Detail.”

Sometime later, Howard’s screams could be heard clear across the city.

**Author's Note:**

> Have a prompt you'd like to see? I'll take ideas on tumblr or AO3!


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